Captain America Allies
Long John Silver for President
The country and the world are in crisis. Markets are melting like snow cones in sub-Saharan desert. Unfortunately, neither of U.S. presidential candidates has a plan to steer the economy out of this crisis. I suggest that there is only one person can effect change that is necessary for the U.S. and the world outside your keesters conference.
This is a time for leadership.
This is a time of change.
We need someone with vision, a person who has been tested time and again and – although it may be hard to believe – someone with far less scruples than the current candidates.
Long John Silver for president!
I suppose the biggest objection to voting for LJS may be that he is a fictional character. We live in a time when we must overcome many prejudices. Race, religion, sex, and the moose shooting from helicopters are no longer barriers to elected office. Is not it time that we as a people aside another prejudice, the requirement that our president is a real person?
Many people voted for Mickey Mouse as president, believing that it is the best choice of candidates running for office, and although the defense of Mickey may have been (in light of our recent presidents) an informed choice, we face the fact that Mickey is a loser. The mouse has never achieved more than a fraction of the presidential election. This country does not need a president squeaky voice, now, much less one that clearly has skeletons in his closet. (Anyone seen Minnie lately? She's Betty Ford clinic? What we are to make of Mickey consorting with Pluto at all hours? The slope of the Mickey Goofy as advisers to choose? Has Mickey ever "reached across the aisle" and embraced Warner Brothers characters like Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck?)
I know that many voters may not vote on a fictional character, but let's face it folks, We do it every time you pull a lever or a hole in the ballot. John McCain and Barack Obama are the brainchild of his interviewers.
Take a look at Barack (or "Barry" as he was known for much of his life): no tie, no foreign policy experience, no domestic policy experience, without vote, while in the Senate, there is no chance he will be able to enact any of his policy proposals, because this country has no money. Watch it back on stage, so cool, so detached and so unreal. He is all image, his pants down to his press coverage gap. He is the Mother Theresa of politics, I am here to embrace all people, all foods and provide tax relief to all except those who are not true believers (the rich, according to the gospel Obama has absolutely no business being rich in such terrible times and the companies that have no business firms when the government can do all that business can do – but better).
Does anyone believe that Barack Obama is real? Here is a test – a foolproof test. Type "Barack Obama" a Word document and it appears as a misspelling. Now type Long John Silver in a Word document: no error. Microsoft, as we all know, is infallible. I suggest that Long John Silver and not this so-called Barack Obama is the most authentic character.
Now take a look at John McCain. He is a hero, Captain America riding the Straight Talk Express across the plains and prairies and into our parlors, spouting truth and justice and everything will get him elected president. You want the government to buy your mortgage and cancel hundreds of years of contract law? I would like five hundred dollars in his pocket at the moment, only some of which he will get tax to finance his health care plan? How about a government regulation with the fries?
McCain is a maverick, despite being a self-proclaimed, although he praised the Republican line for so long that he talks with Teddy Roosevelt on a regular basis. He used to be a Republican, tights, but Captain America is torn wear campaign. The problem with John McCain, my friends, is that it has been erased and redrawn many times that he is not even a complete character. He comes in and out of focus, as an image of an old overhead projector Planetarium in Chicago.
Does anyone believe that John McCain is real? Here another test is infallible. He was not seen in the same room with George Bush. George Bush did not attend the Republican National Convention. Oh, they talked about at the time on Bush to stay away because of a hurricane, but when was the last time that Republicans showed any compassion? Maybe someone refreshing drink is required at a cocktail party in Georgetown, or someone wanted another burger on a barbecue or an ally asked for a tank or two, but remember you Republicans always showing compassion real? So we must ask why George Bush and John McCain are not together. Is it because John McCain is George Bush? And if John McCain is George Bush, then Who is George Bush? Why Cheney of course! Cheney, who is real, the government was running an underground bunker in the mountains of Pakistan, where nobody can find it. For all I know he is playing Parcheesi with Osama Bin Laden in Tora Bora, but the point is that John McCain is not authentic.
Long John Silver for president. The more you say it, the more it sounds good. Long John Silver for president. Long John Silver for president. . .
The blaggard is qualified.
LJS would solve our money problems. He would steal everything they need. He undoubtedly have a cut to its own coffers, but that is what all politicians do, so we can fault him for pocketing some doubloons almost.
Moreover, Long John would take decisive action. He will not consulting Congress. He can steal the members of the Senate and House of Representatives, but he would not consult them. LJS would waste no time getting this country back on its feet well maintained and in its puffball slippers. He I assure you, send any elected official who disagreed with him several leagues under the sea.
You want a house? Fine. LJS would make sure that you paid for it. Might his price be extravagant? Certainly, but you've got a house and nobody would take it away from you while you were under the protection Long John's. There would be no need to read the fine print. You sign your name in blood and that's all there is to it!
You will not pay taxes under the scheme LJS. Let me repeat that promise. You will not pay taxes. You may have to, by way of full disclosure, pay a fee now and then, if the stock of rum White House is weak, but this hypothesis is so unlikely as Social Security paying you anything in the coming years.
Are you worried about the dollar's value? Interest rates? Inflation? Deflation? Do not worry. The coin will be referred to the ale and whiskey rum in time, real assets that you can smell and taste and if desired, drink.
Let's have a budget surplus, and almost immediately, as soon as some countries where we deserve to pay the ransom to save them from various calamities (which LJS start so that all nations understand the value of our services).
There will be no trade imbalance. We will sell our products to other people and get them again later.
Long John not only cure our economic illness. He is a master at foreign policy. Neither Obama nor McCain can control their running mates, let alone Kim Jong II or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Is there any doubt in your mind that Long John Silver would cut our opponents on tape, it was in the way of our – and your – interests?
We would like to work much better with our allies if LJS were president. McCain accused Obama of naiveté by agreeing to meet with our enemies without preconditions. Obama accused McCain of a lack of trial by voting for the war in Iraq. Long John is not suffering from naivete or recklessness. He'll meet with anyone without preconditions; LJS and not like someone says it will cut your tongue. Problem solved. He can not suffer from a lack of sense, because no one will dare question his trial.
LJS is a strong leader. He will not wring your hands or regret. He will wring necks and eviscerate.
It will cut through the bureaucracy in Washington.
LJS will solve our energy crisis. He'll swap something inconsequential, like the State of Delaware, to oilfields in the Middle East and Venezuela. You can imagine all the good things that lawyers do business in Delaware for these third world countries?
We will have law and order. No one will be afraid to walk the streets at night, because nobody will be able to walk the streets at night. Why can not our elected officials thought it?
Have you noticed nobody can sing the Star Spangled Banner in tune? One of the first acts of Long John Silver's will be changing our national anthem a shack in March encouraging that everybody can sing, singing as a matter of fact. And, in tune.
I mentioned pants? Long John, like our forefathers, wears his leggings with style.
The only issue with LJS as president is succession. We live in a democracy, after all. Putin comes to mind as a natural successor to LJS, LJS and Putin seem to share much in common, however Putin is not a natural U.S. citizen and therefore can not be our president – unless Long John violates the Constitution – as Putin made in Russia.
Silly me. No need for a succession plan. LJS will go on and while there's no cynicism in politics. Yes, Long John Silver for president. Forever.
© 2008 Edward Chupack
About the Author
Edward Chupack is an attorney for a major law firm. He lives near Chicago. His first novel, Silver, is available now from Thomas Dunne Books. To learn more about Long John Silver, please visit www.silverpirate.com.
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